Dear Paul,

Dear Paul,

I have a confession to make. I fear that I have been holding back on you. I fear that I have been keeping my distance from you in order not to get my heart broken again. I am so scared my little man. I look at you and feel so much love for a little boy I have not even met. This is how it starts. All this love from just looking at a picture that is outdated. I know nothing about you. I don't know what your health is like or how far along developmentally you are. Are you walking? Are you feeding yourself? Do you play well with others? Where in the world are you? I don't even know where you are! But...this all ends now...tonight. I am opening my heart and soul to you because you deserve to be loved unconditionally. I am opening my heart to you and all of the feelings that come with that. It's not your fault that I have fears is it? None of this is your fault. I hope that you know that. I pray that you know that. I pray every single night for you Paul. I pray that people understand how important it is to keep this paperwork moving. I pray that we get a travel date in a couple of weeks. I pray that soon I am holding you and hugging you and making sure you know what you have a mommy and daddy. I think about you tucked into your new bed all warm sharing a room with your brother! What trying times those will be. I'm pretty sure that Haiden is not going to let you sleep. You two will be up all night getting into all your toys. Your toys Paul! Your bed! Your mommy, daddy, and brothers! What a full house you are going to be living in. It's going to be so full of love that one day you'll look back from where you came, and it will just be a fading memory. A memory from a lifetime ago. A lifetime that I hope you find yourself having trouble remembering. But if you do remember, just always know that no matter what, you will have loving arms to take you in when you need a hug followed by a kiss so that you know you are loved. I love you my sweet Paul and I am sending my love many miles away so you can feel some warmth while you sleep.

Love,
Mommy