I would give anything....

It's funny how something bad in our life happens and we think that this is the worst thing that can happen to us. We wonder how are we going to recover from this and move on. Then 2 days later something so terrible happens. Something so heartbreaking that it blows that other thing out of the water making it seem so insignificant you wondered how it was even an issue in the first place. My last post was about church and how they didn't feel comfortable with Haiden being in the regular classroom. Now I read my post from a couple days ago and would give ANYTHING to go back there to that pace when that was the biggest problem in our lives...anything...ANYTHING.

Tuesday afternoon February 15th 2011 will forever be the worst day of my life. That was the day that our adoption agency Hand in Hand told us that Martin was no longer available for us to adopt. Wow, I finally got it out there. Now, it is real. This is really happening to us. Here is how it all unraveled. This is how our lives fell apart with one phone call. A phone call that could have been the happiest of all time, turned out to be the worst.

I guess the one whole day of warmer weather the day prior got me in the mood for a little Spring cleaning. I was cutting my extremely small pantry and cabinet space, throwing everything away that I hadn't seen since we moved in last June and making more room for junk I wouldn't see again until next Spring. I was just about finished when the phone rang. I almost let it ring because I new that once I answered it, my cleaning mood would be broken and the junk on the counter would stay there the rest of the evening. But I jumped down off the dining room chair I dragged into the kitchen, and the only way I could reach the shelves, to answer my phone. It was our adoption agency! We weren't expecting a phone call until Feb. 28th so I was super excited. We maybe got our travel date early and would be on our way to pick our our son in a few weeks! But the tone of her voice announcing she had news, not good news, just news and the fact that she said she didn't know how to tell me this over email so she called instead still didn't prepare me. What an idiot! I thought to myself...crap...we have to fill out more paperwork, or we filled out something incorrectly. But her words were I'm so sorry Melissa, Martin is no longer available for you and Charlie to adopt. His biological parents came and picked him up. I dropped the phone and here is what followed.

Now I liked to think of myself as somewhat level headed and collected when it came to my emotions. But what happened next proved to my, my husband, my 2 poor babies in the next room, and most likely my neighbors on both sides, proved me to be wrong. This is not a proud moment, and I would usually never describe such a scene for everyone to read but I want and need to convey to everyone just how heart breaking this was. I dropped down on my knees and started to scream. In my mind, if I screamed loud enough and long enough that everything would go back to the way it was a few moments earlier. All I remember is rocking back and forth asking WHY, WHY, WHY and saying NO, NO, NO. I cried so hard I made my little Haiden cry. I cried so hard my eyes would honestly not open. I crawled up my stairs and crawled into my bed just laying there not ever wanting to get up.

Once the boys were in bed Charlie and I just laid on the couch and cried together. This is the second time that he and I cried together over the loss of a dream that we had for our family. The first time had been 3 years and 3 months earlier when we received Haiden's diagnosis of Down syndrome. I haven't cried this much since then. But look what we got out of that deal. We now have the most amazing, inspiring, frustrating little man ever, who ultimately lead us to Martin. If it weren't for him, we never would have considered adopting Martin in the first place. But apparently Martin was never ours to adopt. I'm pretty sure that he was gone before we even saw his picture on Reece's Rainbow. Though I'm not actually sure of anything these days. That may be the worst party...the not knowing. I don't know anything other than what they told me. That is biological parents came to get him. I don't even know if that is true but for the most part I am a trusting human being and could only pray that I'm not being lied to. I will live the rest of my life not knowing what happened to our little boy. Is he happy, is he healthy, is he loved and being treated the way Charlie and I would have??? I can hardly stand the not knowing. Being left in the dark only leads my brain into thinking the worst and that is what I have to live with forever.

Of course over the span of these 2 days Charlie and I have come up with "what happened". Everything from good to bad. For some reason, I'm convinced that his parents were notified that he was going to be transferred to an institution so they picked him up. I hope they couldn't bring themselves to allow that to happen to their baby. Although where in the hell were they 5 years ago when they left that hospital leaving him to be thrown to the wolves. He didn't even go home with them. The other scenario is that they were contacted because he had parents...real parents..that wanted to adopt him and take him back to the United States. They either thought "that is too far" or "why should he get to go and we have to stay here". I really think I could go on and on. My worst fear is of course if they only picked him up because it was that or the institution then they don't truly want him and then he won't be truly taken care of. At least not the way he deserves and the way Charlie and I could.

I think we have said this a billion times since we got that phone call 2 days ago. Why, how did this happen to us, what does He want from us, what was this for???? I refuse to believe it's over. I just can't imagine going on without looking forward to bringing our son home with us. Every day since we first saw his little picture and his sweet little face we have gone with this. No questions asked. I thought, God called, we listened, end of story. I was so happy that I blindly obeyed Him, being called to do this, and getting a son out of it. Martin wasn't lucky, I was!

I truly do not understand this. Never once did I question if this was the right thing for any of us involved. I never questioned where the money would come from or how we would provide for all 3 of our boys at home along with our other 2 that live with Charlie's ex-wife in Springfield VA. Not once! Everything went smooth right from the beginning. We were helped out by everyone we asked, on top of many, many others offering. There were no glitches...not even once. If you have been following this blog, you know that. That is what many of our posts were about.

But of course, I am in the shock and denial stage of the 7 stages right now. I am told and I have read before that I will react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. I may deny the reality of the loss in order to avoid the pain. I am a pro at that, just ask Charlie. I can avoid like a champ which I know in the end prolongs this whole thing and once I let down that wall the pain charges at me like a tsunami. But this shock and then denial provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. Such a strong part of me is telling me to hold on with all that I have. This is a test. I don't want to fail and I can't imagine a life anymore where Martin is not part of it. I can't imagine moving on and leaving him behind. I have to hold on to the thought that his parents are going to bring him back because they realized they were in over their heads. Now before you all go off and think what a terrible person I am to wish that on a little boy, know that first and foremost I hope that he is happy where he is. Happy and loved is the only thing I wish for. But this is my grieving process and this is the only way that I can still breathe and still get out of bed in the morning. I know that I am in denial right now. The terrible thing is, I know this, yet still live it out in my head over and over.

A couple weeks back I had a dream about my little love. I remember it like a distant memory because this dream was so very real. You all have had those. You wake up and feel so sad because it was such a great dream and then you realize it was just that. This one happened as if we were visiting him for the first time in Russia. I walked into the room where he sleeps and he was sitting up in his bed looking out the window. I walked over and sat on the bed with him and gave him a hug and kisses on his fat cheeks. I could hear his voice. It reminded me of Haiden's He talked like Haiden which was more of babbles and sounds but he and I knew what he was saying. I played with his hair which was opposite of Haiden's. Martin's was thin and soft. I can still smell his skin from when I kissed his cheek. This is all that I have. I hold on to it like a fake memory. I pretend like it really happened so I have something from him. The scary thing is, like I mentioned above, it is like a distant memory and everyone knows as time goes on memories fade. Then I'll be left with a picture from a website.

As I'm sitting here trying to think of anything else I should add, I look at the name of our blog Finding Martin. This is now killing me because we have lost him. He is just gone and there is nothing that we can do to fix it. Nobody we can sweet talk into undoing what had been done. All I can think about is changing the name from Finding Martin, to Losing Martin. Those two words are the most painful words to say even to myself. I find myself putting so much of this burden on Charlie. He is the "fixer" in the family. He fixes everything. He finds answers to everything...always. I keep asking him what to do and how are we gonna fix this truly believing that he will come up with something. I look at him so deep in thought just knowing that he has an idea that could just possibly be the answer to reversing this situationt that we are finding ourselves in. For that I feel horrible. I think this is also the reason I am avoiding my mom's texts and phone calls. I always have looked to her for help and answers and guidance. She's my mom and I have done this all of my life even as an adult. I know that no matter what she says or does that it's not going to help me and I don't want to resent her for that. My expectations are way to high for the people in my life that I love. I'm completely lost right now. I think that I have run out of thoughts and feelings for right now and I'm resorting back into my numb shell where everything feels better.

So...I guess I leave you all with these questions knowing full well that none of you can answer. What does He want from us? What is it that we were supposed to do? What was it all for? I'm not one of those people who think that is was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I'm sorry for those of you who disagree, but I think that is crap. Especially the way I feel right now. I know that we will be going through all the stages of grief and yadda yadda yadda, and maybe that is part of it, but right now, I can't be convinced otherwise.....


Scattered words and empty thoughts
seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
seems I don't know where to start
but it's now that I feel Your grace falls like rain
from every fingertip, washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
with promises I still seem to bear
even when answers slowly unwind
it's my heart I see You prepare
but its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
from every finger tip, washing away my pain

The only place I can go is into your arms
where I throw to you my feeble prayers
in brokeness I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know You are near