Finally Talk of Moving Forward...

Well, we have finally had "the discussion". The one about what our next move is going to be. We have known all along that we still want to adopt no matter what. We just needed that time to take in, digest, and be at peace with the fact that Martin was not meant to be our son...at least not one that lives in this house with our family. To me, he will always be our son. I think that we can safely say that we have done all that we can and stay inside the boundaries of legal adoption process. That basically means, don't ask too many questions or we will be put on a list. Now, what I want to do and what we are going to do are 2 DIFFERENT things. I sent out one final email to our adoption coordinator in Russia asking her if there is any way that should could pass on our contact information to the Adoption Department so that maybe...just maybe...if they should ever want it Martin's family would have it. So, last night after I went to bed, I prayed. This time I didn't pray for Martin to find his way to our home. Instead, I prayed that he is LOVED and taken care of the way that Charlie and I would take care of him. I prayed that he will get the medical attention that he needs if and when he needs it and I prayed that he can get some type of therapy needed to make him just that much more successful in his life.

Like everyone has been telling me, I have handed it over to God. This has been almost as hard as letting Martin go. I have what some say...a little control problem. I hate not having 100% of it. Who doesn't?! So, there it is. God, you can have it now. It's all yours like it has been all along. I just didn't realize it until now.

That brings me to our next decision. Where to adopt from, who to adopt, what age to adopt??? Thankfully many of our questions have already been answered for us. Now, I would never want to make this about money, but for those of you that are in the middle of international adoption or have gone through one before, money sort of has to be an issue. So, if we stay within the same age range and region then we won't have to redo any paperwork. That is a huge relief to us. Not only are we about wiped out when it comes to money, but wiped out when it comes to paperwork. Obviously we would and will do whatever we have to, but no more paperwork is a great, great thing! As far as who to adopt, I just told our agency, whoever they thought needed us the most is who we want. So, out of our hands and in to someone else's. I just need a little more time to say go ahead. I will always have the feeling like I left him behind and moved on without him. I just need time to figure out how to deal with that in a healthy way.

This week and last has been such an emotional roller coaster! I think that I started to lose sight of my family here that I do have. I never want to do that again. The adoption has taken over our lives and maybe this is another one of God's ways to say...hey...take a step back for a minute and remember you have very important people right here with you that love you and need your love. A friend had to remind me to not let this thing make me go kookoo. Thank you Bethany, because I was!!!

So now...I feel a great sense of relief. No, I have not given up on Martin and most likely never will. He will always be in my thoughts. I will always wonder where he is and how he's doing, but I know that there is another little boy out there that needs our family. So we are off to finish this crazy, insane journey and bring home our son, whoever he may be.

To Martin,

Baby doll! Please don't ever think that I gave up on you. I know that He is taking care of you no matter where you are. He loves you more than I love you and He knows what is best. Please know that I will continue to look for your picture in the database as well as continue to call about you in case there is anything new. I love you baby and I always will.