As most of you know, or have unfortunately experienced, this adoption has not gone well. I'm actually pretty sure that no adoption goes well. Why that is, I am not sure. Why it is so difficult to adopt a child that has been left in the first place is way beyond me. But that is actually not what this post is about. Not today anyway! This is more about what I have recently learned, just over the weekend actually.
From the start, almost a year ago, Charlie and I have been killing ourselves to get this done. We just want to get it over with. I'm sure many of you that are in the same process, or have already brought your children home are/were the same way. I want that little boy in my arms, at my dinner table for dinner, in his warm clean bed at night, and even in my timeout corner...this is because I'm not completely delusional. I know that once we get him home it's not going to be all sunshine and pixie dust. I just want him home! In the beginning, it was Martin. Most of you know how that ended. If not, here is the post that explains it all. http://findingmartin.blogspot.com/2011/02/i-would-give-anything.html
We have lost sleep from pulling all nighters, I feel like I have neglected my kids at home, I put off other things I should also been working on, and Charlie and I are at each others throats and we never fight. We have been "controlling" the adoption or at least killing ourselves trying. We find ourselves pushing issues that should have been dropped, asking everyone for favors to get our paperwork done just a little faster and so on. Then we lost him. It absolutely did not make sense to me then. I didn’t search out a child to adopt. Martin just was delivered to us. Well, his picture was anyway. I just knew we were doing exactly what God wanted us to do. But now, I think I'm starting to see some answers. Maybe not all of them, but some things are falling into place. I will get into that later. We later moved on and asked to me matched up with another little boy about the same age. That is how we found Dmitri! We have been trying to take things a little more slowly. At times yes, we try to take over, but we are always set back in our place by one thing or another. Up and down, back and forth this has gone, and continues to go. Here we are, a year later, and sometimes I feel like we are no closer to him than we were back in February before we even new who this little boy was!
We finally finished up our paper work and sent it to Dima's country for a court date. In the meantime we found out from a volunteer that he is sick in the hospital and has been there with pneumonia for 2 weeks. My heart is sick with worry and so heavy with sadness. I hate picturing his tiny little body in a hospital bed all alone with no visitors. The volunteer informed me that the hospital is in a remote place and they don't get to go visit. I have often read that orphans that end up in the hospital do not get visitors. I have to believe that he is NOT alone. I think about a little prayer that I read to Haiden and Noah in 1 of their books the other day.
Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.
Bless the bed that I lie one.
4 corners to my bed.
4 angels around my head.
1 to watch and 1 to pray.
And 2 to guide me through the day.
It makes me think of Dima, and helps me to have faith that his angels are taking care of him and loving him until we can get him home.
We also found out that 2 family members just recently found out about him. His grandmother and uncle never knew until the other day that he existed! In his country, it is the law that all the relatives are to be contacted if a child is wanted in an adoption. If they agree to the adoption, then they are to sign the guardianship papers waiving their rights to the child. If they do not agree, then they have to take on the responsibility. Why in the world the family isn't contacted before this point in the child's life is so beyond me! Why do these children waste away in an orphanage and that is completely fine, no family contacted....until someone else wants them??? Now, the family will not respond to sign the papers. They won't answer their door or return phone calls. I am completely and totally in a state of panic. I am dreading this is a Martin situation all over again. The night I found this out, I cried and cried. What were we going to do? Who could we talk to? Could we write a letter to the family? There are so many questions we ask wondering how we can fix this and control this. I think to myself, there just HAS to be a way.
Jumping back a few weeks ago, Charlie and I were at church talking about the adoption and keeping everyone is our small group informed on where we were in the process. A wonderful man and leader of our small group who we only just met a few months ago, but deeply respect a great deal told us that he was praying for us. He also told me something that has stuck with me just about everyday. In fact, I emailed him a few days ago asking him to tell me again because I was having a rough day and wanted to see the words. He said…
"We do not want to be so focused on the destination that we miss the journey. Often God's purpose is found in the journey, not just the destination. Many times God prepares us during the journey so that we will be prepared when we arrive at our destination. Many of His greatest lessons and blessings are found in the journey. Trust God's sovereignty through the process."
After hearing this, and then getting that last bit of devastating news, I decided Charlie and I need to change the way that we handle everything. I just don’t know exactly what we could do differently. Then, I received a post on Facebook from a friend...and I'm so sorry if you know who you are because I can't remember! She said that I needed to just be still and quiet, and to just wait for Him to tell me what to do next. At the time I read that post, I didn't know it yet, but that has been the BEST advice I have heard so far.
Now, I’m fast forwarding up to this past weekend in church. This Sunday was one of those Ahhh Haaa Sundays, one of those days where everything made so much sense to me. I was glued to the sermon and even took notes! Seriously I never take notes. 99% of the time we forget to even take our bible with us. The sermon was about being courageous in the worst of times. Better yet, how to be courageous in the worst of times was the point of the sermon this week. A few ways that struck me…
1) Be righteous and obedient. This, I honestly feel like I am doing. I do without a doubt feel like we are on the right path. I feel like I am obeying what He has commanded Charlie and I to do as far as being involved in this crazy world of adoption.
2) Trust Him and His sovereignty. He has our long-term best interest at heart. This one I have had some problem with. With all the issues that have set us back in our adoption journey, I have often wondered what His plan was for us, and for these children he has brought into our lives. I know that it is alright for me to question and have my doubts, but I struggle hard with disagreement in His plan.
3) Trust in His control. These 4 words did it for me over the weekend. They helped to put my mind and heart as ease. Now, I still worry there is no doubt about that. I have now been in love with Dmitri like he is my own for months now. We have gone to see him, I have held him, hugged and kissed him, and have dreamt about him night after night. I would love nothing more than to have this boy in our home as part of my family.
Is that part of His plan? I certainly hope so. I pray for it to be His will all day and all night. I know there is no bargaining or persuading. No amount of words that come from my heart and from my mouth will change anything. I just hope that if Dmitri is not meant for our family, that God will be a great comfort to us in our grief and while we move on. I know this will happen! To quote from Charles Spureon, “As sure as God puts His children into the furnace of affliction, He will be with them in it.”
So until we find out, and I hope that is soon I will just try to be still and listen to what He wants. That is so much harder said than done but I have found that I am doing a much better job than I was last week. He has our best interest at heart, He has our best interest at heart……….
“Be still,” I hear Him softly say.
“Be still, lay all aside.”
He who made the universe stoops down,
And gathers up my cares.
“Be still,” He chides again.
His work begins within my weary soul.
“Be patient. In quiet stay.
Listen to me.”
Though pressed on every side,
I clear my heart and mind.
In timid voice and heart,
I lift to Him my praise.
How quiet, His presence.
How healing, His words.
In hushed awe, I listen.
I savor each one.
My will, He bends.
My heart, He sweeps clean.
My strength, He renews.
My soul, He fills to overflowing.
He teaches through His word.
I heed what He tells me.
I stand and give Him praise.
Together we go forth to serve.
Now, I just have to remember all this if things should not go the way we pray!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Can't Really Talk About It
As usual, I have been meaning to update my blog for almost a month. I have been waiting for good news so I have something to write about. Unfortunately I have nothing good to report. I also have been instructed not to mention anything in case the wrong eyes should see what exactly is going on in Dima's country. I have been quite careful not to mention the country or anyone's name since I have noticed that I see in the stats that his country has viewed this blog.
So, instead of going into a big long thing explaining what is going on and taking a chance that someone sees it that is not supposed to, I will just ask this. Please say a prayer for Dmitri and our family. We need a lot of prayers right now. This is just one more road block and a bit of bad news. One would think that we would be used to getting this kind of news by now!
I can say that our paper work is now in the right hands. We are told that it will take about 10 to translate everything. Once that is done, the judge will receive it and God willing, we will get a court date. I was so hopeful that we would have a date in September. Not happening! Then I was holding out for October. Pretty sure that will not happen by now either. That leaves us dangerously close to the holiday season in which MANY places shut down. Just need a court date so I can sleep!
So, instead of going into a big long thing explaining what is going on and taking a chance that someone sees it that is not supposed to, I will just ask this. Please say a prayer for Dmitri and our family. We need a lot of prayers right now. This is just one more road block and a bit of bad news. One would think that we would be used to getting this kind of news by now!
I can say that our paper work is now in the right hands. We are told that it will take about 10 to translate everything. Once that is done, the judge will receive it and God willing, we will get a court date. I was so hopeful that we would have a date in September. Not happening! Then I was holding out for October. Pretty sure that will not happen by now either. That leaves us dangerously close to the holiday season in which MANY places shut down. Just need a court date so I can sleep!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Keeping ya all in the loop.
So, I have to say, that we haven't really made too much progress since last time I posted. We are still just waiting and waiting for everyone to be finished on their end. A list of things waiting to be completed....
~FBI updated background check: We are supposed to call back in 1 1/2 weeks. FYI, that will but us at 8 weeks!
~Information from our mortgage company stating how much the house is worth and other things I'm sure the court doesn't really need! This info should have been done last week but they "never received the fax".
~Updated physicals for all the kids and also for Charlie and me. I have to admit, this hang up if our fault. We just weren't thinking about blood work and how long it would take to get back. It should be done Friday...we shall see.
~This one is just the best! We need an addendum for our home study. The court wants a fresh hs to make sure there have not been any changes to our financial status and heath. The judge wants NO MORE than 2 pages. We have tried telling our social worker this over and over but she wants to redo our entire thing with a grand total of $650! No matter what we tell her the judge wants word for word even, she won't budge. Well, that is when she is returning our emails that it! Seriously thinking about biting the bullet and finding another agency for our post placements. We would lose the $1500 we already paid but at least I would have peace of mind that the right things are getting done with an honest agency. We just found out yesterday that our hs agency was almost put on the blacklist by the country we are adopting from. Not a good place to be! Especially if this happens when we are still in our process!
No matter what, we are trying to stay positive and we are trying to keep in mind that He is in control over this all. His timing is perfect and there is a reason for all of this!
~FBI updated background check: We are supposed to call back in 1 1/2 weeks. FYI, that will but us at 8 weeks!
~Information from our mortgage company stating how much the house is worth and other things I'm sure the court doesn't really need! This info should have been done last week but they "never received the fax".
~Updated physicals for all the kids and also for Charlie and me. I have to admit, this hang up if our fault. We just weren't thinking about blood work and how long it would take to get back. It should be done Friday...we shall see.
~This one is just the best! We need an addendum for our home study. The court wants a fresh hs to make sure there have not been any changes to our financial status and heath. The judge wants NO MORE than 2 pages. We have tried telling our social worker this over and over but she wants to redo our entire thing with a grand total of $650! No matter what we tell her the judge wants word for word even, she won't budge. Well, that is when she is returning our emails that it! Seriously thinking about biting the bullet and finding another agency for our post placements. We would lose the $1500 we already paid but at least I would have peace of mind that the right things are getting done with an honest agency. We just found out yesterday that our hs agency was almost put on the blacklist by the country we are adopting from. Not a good place to be! Especially if this happens when we are still in our process!
No matter what, we are trying to stay positive and we are trying to keep in mind that He is in control over this all. His timing is perfect and there is a reason for all of this!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Officially Exhausted...
I have had it. I can honestly say that I am officially exhausted from this adoption! It has been almost a year. I know, I know, there are so many people that have been at it for well over that amount of time, but I'm still tired. I am physically and emotionally exhausted! Just when I feel like we are maybe getting close to the end...we get pushed back. We are still trying to get together the remaining documents for our dossier. It's not going so well. Why in the world can't 1 thing just go right?!
We are waiting on our fingerprints from the FBI. They called last week saying they tried to run my credit card and it was coming back telling them that it was invalid! Makes no sense, seeing as they had just swiped it and used to charge Charlie's prints! I keep checking my account and my credit card was charged for the prints as well as FedEx...so where in the world are they!!!? We are also waiting on a letter from our mortgage company that was PROMISED would be done in 5 to 7 days or something like that. Why do I keep falling for that? Next, the part that I honestly thought was going to be the easiest of them all, are the physicals. They military keeps changing our FREAKING doctors and every time they do that, the new one wants to meet us. Not to mention that getting an appointment within the year is impossible lately. Between all of us, we have 4 different doctors. SOMEONE JUST SIGN THESE @#$%^^& PHYSICALS ALREADY!!! Let me see, I think that is it.
I feel so defeated thinking of waiting on these fricking people while my baby sits in that institution literally rotting away. Each day he is there, he loses any skills he has and not to mention more and more weight! A 5 year old that weighs 20lbs is killing me. I swore we would have him home by his birthday, but that came and went. Next I vowed he would be home by my birthday, but that day is right around the corner and we still don't even have our court dossier in yet. Day after day passes and I have one anxiety filled dream after another. Last night I had a dream that we got there to pick him up and we had nowhere to stay. All the hotels were closed and nobody would take us in! I really think that I am going to have a heart attack due to anxiety.
Sorry this is so negative, but I need to vent somewhere and this seemed like a good place since I usually get encouraging words from everyone that follows this blog. Thank you for reading and listening. Hopefully next time I post something, it will be positive!
We are waiting on our fingerprints from the FBI. They called last week saying they tried to run my credit card and it was coming back telling them that it was invalid! Makes no sense, seeing as they had just swiped it and used to charge Charlie's prints! I keep checking my account and my credit card was charged for the prints as well as FedEx...so where in the world are they!!!? We are also waiting on a letter from our mortgage company that was PROMISED would be done in 5 to 7 days or something like that. Why do I keep falling for that? Next, the part that I honestly thought was going to be the easiest of them all, are the physicals. They military keeps changing our FREAKING doctors and every time they do that, the new one wants to meet us. Not to mention that getting an appointment within the year is impossible lately. Between all of us, we have 4 different doctors. SOMEONE JUST SIGN THESE @#$%^^& PHYSICALS ALREADY!!! Let me see, I think that is it.
I feel so defeated thinking of waiting on these fricking people while my baby sits in that institution literally rotting away. Each day he is there, he loses any skills he has and not to mention more and more weight! A 5 year old that weighs 20lbs is killing me. I swore we would have him home by his birthday, but that came and went. Next I vowed he would be home by my birthday, but that day is right around the corner and we still don't even have our court dossier in yet. Day after day passes and I have one anxiety filled dream after another. Last night I had a dream that we got there to pick him up and we had nowhere to stay. All the hotels were closed and nobody would take us in! I really think that I am going to have a heart attack due to anxiety.
Sorry this is so negative, but I need to vent somewhere and this seemed like a good place since I usually get encouraging words from everyone that follows this blog. Thank you for reading and listening. Hopefully next time I post something, it will be positive!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Sorry...
As I have stated many times before in previous posts, I am the world's worst blogger. However, I just wanted to update everyone on our adoption. There has no been any progress and really no news to share. We are waiting on the judge to get back from vacation and that will not be until sometime in September. Ughh! We have had to update our fingerprints for both State Police and FBI. Yay...more expenses for something we have already had done! To our frustration, we got back our fingerprints from the State with mistakes that we had to correct. That alone took 3 weeks. I am hoping that we hear something soon since we submitted them again about 2 weeks ago. I run to the door every time I see a FedEx truck driving on our street.
We are just trying to stay busy so that time passes quickly. I am getting ready to order Dima's new bed since it will take about 6 weeks to get here. At least that is how long it took for Haiden's to get here. They will have matching beds! I am hoping that looking forward to the arrival of his bed and picking out sheets and a comforter will pass some time. Whatever it takes huh?!
Sorry that is about all I have. I just wanted to let everyone know that we are still alive and praying for a travel date soon.
XOXO
We are just trying to stay busy so that time passes quickly. I am getting ready to order Dima's new bed since it will take about 6 weeks to get here. At least that is how long it took for Haiden's to get here. They will have matching beds! I am hoping that looking forward to the arrival of his bed and picking out sheets and a comforter will pass some time. Whatever it takes huh?!
Sorry that is about all I have. I just wanted to let everyone know that we are still alive and praying for a travel date soon.
XOXO
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Until We Meet Again....
Ughhh this is the hardest day...this 3rd and final vist! How did it go by so quickly? It took months and months to get to that point, and it took 3 days to end. Time is so tricky. It can stretch out for all eternity, or it can go by in the blink of an eye. Why does it always do the opposite of what we want?
We get to the orphanage earlier on the last day. I am hoping and praying that we get to stay longer than the 20-30 minutes that we were allotted the first 2 visits. The route that we take to get to Dima's building is endless on the last day. I just wanted to get to him, pick him up, kiss him, and take him outside in the sunshine and fresh air. Again, we go through the stinky check in building, a yard, an administration building, more grounds or yard, the playground, and finally his "home". The prior 2 days we had not run into any unpleasant people or rudeness of any kind. Well...not that I know of anyway. I can't understand but more than 2 or 3 words during a conversation. But this time was a little different. We were greeted by an extremely unpleasant woman in the foyer. I have no idea what she said, but I know it was bad because even our coordinator made a comment on how mean she was! I guess it's a good thing I don't speak the language! One thing I do know is that she commanded us to put on sterile booties over our shoes. So, we did as we were told and headed up the stairs to get our little boy!
There were kids EVERYWHERE! Where had they all come from?! I couldn't believe it. There were teenage age kids doing "chores". Running around with trays of food delivering them to the appropriate rooms. There were kids on the stairs, and on the common areas! All the doors were open and the rooms where filled. None of them were hidden away like before, and all the doors remained opened as were walked by. I was amazed and shocked for more than one reason. One of the reasons I'll save for a blog post all on it's own. The other, I have mentioned before. I could not believe that they were allowing us to see everything. When we got to the commons area that we had met in before, Dima was not there. I was a little disappointed. I was hoping that they would have him all ready so we could get as much time with his as possible. As we were standing there, one of the care givers told us that we could go to his group's room. This was exciting to me, I could see some of the other children in his group. I wasn't ready to it when I saw it. I had to bite my cheek to the point I could taste blood in order not to cry in front of everyone. This was so overwhelming. There was so many little ones in the room. They were all doing things that I had read about. I read about things...but I guess that I wasn't really expecting to see them in real life. Kids crawling on the floor that should not be crawling on the floor, kids rocking in the corner, kids rolling around on the floor as another means of transportation, and kids doing all kinds of different things to self stim. I just wasn't ready. I wish that I could have been a fly on the wall to see my reaction. I hope and pray that I covered up my feelings. That you could not see on the outside what I was feeling on the inside! In no way did I want to disrespect anyone there...to include these precious angels that were so crazy excited to see us. I didn't spot our little man so I continued to return hugs that I was getting at a cyclic rate! I loved it! A little nervous at first, but I loved these little boys! How in the world were Charlie and I going to pick up our baby and walk out of there without the others? But soon Dima came "walking" down the hall all bundled up for us to take him outside in the beautiful sun! I picked him up and make my way through the sea of little boys wanting just even a smile. At at time when I thought I should feel overwhelmed with joy holding my baby and taking him outside, I felt the opposite. I felt ashamed and guilty that we were only taking 1 boy. I almost couldn't look the rest of them in the eye. But I had to...I had to smile at them and let them know that they were not invisible!
We took Dmitri outside to play on the old warn out playground equipment like we had done the day before. Shortly, about 5 boys from his group were coming out to play as well! The caregiver tries to get them outside as often as she can. There are 15 of them and 1 or her. She tells our coordinator that she brings out a couple children at a time so she can play with them and keep an eye on them. At first she didn't want them to interfere with us and Dmitri's time but I kept playing with them so I think that she relaxed a little and let them play. They just wanted to be boys and play! Twenty minutes or so passed and I started to get worried that we were going to have to go in and leave our little boy that we had come so far to see. But nothing was said, so we continued to play with him and watch him play. I loved to just watch him watching the other play and take everything in that was going on around him. He loved throwing the ball but his favorite thing was giving us kisses!
Soon, about 1 1/2 hours later, we were instructed to bring him inside. It was time for them to eat and time for their naps. What a sick feeling I had in my stomach. This time I didn't notice anything around me while walking back to his room. I just hurt all over. His caregiver could tell that we were hurting and heartbroken and she felt bad for us. While I was holding Dima, giving him my last kiss I started to tear up. I had done so good not crying this whole time. I think his caregiver was scolding me a little and telling me not to cry in front of him. She urged me to go into the bathroom and dry my face! I'm glad that she did cause I got to stand in that little bathroom and have myself a good quick cry. I gave him a billion more kisses and hugs before I handed him over.
The rest is a blur and the rest of the trip is really not important. I just wanted to sleep so we could pass time and get back to him. I think this would be easier to endure if I new that we didn't have to wait so long to see him again. There is a lot of vacation to be had in his country apparently so court dates won't be assigned until everyone involved comes back to work. I wish that I could go on vacation and take a break from all of this! Better yet, I wish those boys could take a vacation from their life. Just get away from it all for a little bit. Unfortunately, their life is all that they know and they have no other happiness to compare it to. Maybe that is a good thing...or this is something that I tell myself so I can stop feeling guilty about not being able to bring more than one of them home at a time.
So sweet Dima...my little beautiful man...please know that I am thinking of you all day every single day. I still dream about you since that is the only way I can see you. Please feel our love baby and know without a doubt that we are coming back to get you. It's just going to be a little longer than we had hoped. We pray that you stay healthy and safe and you can feel our arms around you until we meet again.
We get to the orphanage earlier on the last day. I am hoping and praying that we get to stay longer than the 20-30 minutes that we were allotted the first 2 visits. The route that we take to get to Dima's building is endless on the last day. I just wanted to get to him, pick him up, kiss him, and take him outside in the sunshine and fresh air. Again, we go through the stinky check in building, a yard, an administration building, more grounds or yard, the playground, and finally his "home". The prior 2 days we had not run into any unpleasant people or rudeness of any kind. Well...not that I know of anyway. I can't understand but more than 2 or 3 words during a conversation. But this time was a little different. We were greeted by an extremely unpleasant woman in the foyer. I have no idea what she said, but I know it was bad because even our coordinator made a comment on how mean she was! I guess it's a good thing I don't speak the language! One thing I do know is that she commanded us to put on sterile booties over our shoes. So, we did as we were told and headed up the stairs to get our little boy!
There were kids EVERYWHERE! Where had they all come from?! I couldn't believe it. There were teenage age kids doing "chores". Running around with trays of food delivering them to the appropriate rooms. There were kids on the stairs, and on the common areas! All the doors were open and the rooms where filled. None of them were hidden away like before, and all the doors remained opened as were walked by. I was amazed and shocked for more than one reason. One of the reasons I'll save for a blog post all on it's own. The other, I have mentioned before. I could not believe that they were allowing us to see everything. When we got to the commons area that we had met in before, Dima was not there. I was a little disappointed. I was hoping that they would have him all ready so we could get as much time with his as possible. As we were standing there, one of the care givers told us that we could go to his group's room. This was exciting to me, I could see some of the other children in his group. I wasn't ready to it when I saw it. I had to bite my cheek to the point I could taste blood in order not to cry in front of everyone. This was so overwhelming. There was so many little ones in the room. They were all doing things that I had read about. I read about things...but I guess that I wasn't really expecting to see them in real life. Kids crawling on the floor that should not be crawling on the floor, kids rocking in the corner, kids rolling around on the floor as another means of transportation, and kids doing all kinds of different things to self stim. I just wasn't ready. I wish that I could have been a fly on the wall to see my reaction. I hope and pray that I covered up my feelings. That you could not see on the outside what I was feeling on the inside! In no way did I want to disrespect anyone there...to include these precious angels that were so crazy excited to see us. I didn't spot our little man so I continued to return hugs that I was getting at a cyclic rate! I loved it! A little nervous at first, but I loved these little boys! How in the world were Charlie and I going to pick up our baby and walk out of there without the others? But soon Dima came "walking" down the hall all bundled up for us to take him outside in the beautiful sun! I picked him up and make my way through the sea of little boys wanting just even a smile. At at time when I thought I should feel overwhelmed with joy holding my baby and taking him outside, I felt the opposite. I felt ashamed and guilty that we were only taking 1 boy. I almost couldn't look the rest of them in the eye. But I had to...I had to smile at them and let them know that they were not invisible!
We took Dmitri outside to play on the old warn out playground equipment like we had done the day before. Shortly, about 5 boys from his group were coming out to play as well! The caregiver tries to get them outside as often as she can. There are 15 of them and 1 or her. She tells our coordinator that she brings out a couple children at a time so she can play with them and keep an eye on them. At first she didn't want them to interfere with us and Dmitri's time but I kept playing with them so I think that she relaxed a little and let them play. They just wanted to be boys and play! Twenty minutes or so passed and I started to get worried that we were going to have to go in and leave our little boy that we had come so far to see. But nothing was said, so we continued to play with him and watch him play. I loved to just watch him watching the other play and take everything in that was going on around him. He loved throwing the ball but his favorite thing was giving us kisses!
Soon, about 1 1/2 hours later, we were instructed to bring him inside. It was time for them to eat and time for their naps. What a sick feeling I had in my stomach. This time I didn't notice anything around me while walking back to his room. I just hurt all over. His caregiver could tell that we were hurting and heartbroken and she felt bad for us. While I was holding Dima, giving him my last kiss I started to tear up. I had done so good not crying this whole time. I think his caregiver was scolding me a little and telling me not to cry in front of him. She urged me to go into the bathroom and dry my face! I'm glad that she did cause I got to stand in that little bathroom and have myself a good quick cry. I gave him a billion more kisses and hugs before I handed him over.
The rest is a blur and the rest of the trip is really not important. I just wanted to sleep so we could pass time and get back to him. I think this would be easier to endure if I new that we didn't have to wait so long to see him again. There is a lot of vacation to be had in his country apparently so court dates won't be assigned until everyone involved comes back to work. I wish that I could go on vacation and take a break from all of this! Better yet, I wish those boys could take a vacation from their life. Just get away from it all for a little bit. Unfortunately, their life is all that they know and they have no other happiness to compare it to. Maybe that is a good thing...or this is something that I tell myself so I can stop feeling guilty about not being able to bring more than one of them home at a time.
So sweet Dima...my little beautiful man...please know that I am thinking of you all day every single day. I still dream about you since that is the only way I can see you. Please feel our love baby and know without a doubt that we are coming back to get you. It's just going to be a little longer than we had hoped. We pray that you stay healthy and safe and you can feel our arms around you until we meet again.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
1 Trip Down...2 To Go! Day 2....
The second day was a long one. This is only because we didn't get to see him until 3 in the afternoon! Seeing as jet lag was kicking full force Charlie and I got up for the day around 4 in the AM! Again...that made for a long day.
We went through the same stinky check in building but thankfully this time the cat's dinner had been cleaned up, or eaten. Just as long as I didn't have to see the animal pieces dragged all over the floor! We went by to grab the doctor and we were on our way to see our baby! This time I noticed something a little different. There were more kiddos in the hallways. There were a few more doors open and better yet, they weren't being closed before we came upon them. I was able to quickly sneak peek as we hurried by. I was scared of getting caught and getting in trouble so it was a quick glance. I just peeked long enough to see that there were indeed kids in there! I was rather shocked that the doors remained open.
Then there we were! Waiting to see Dima come out of his room. He came around the corner walking...with help...looking cuter then ever. He was wearing the same Spiderman tights and little red sweatshirt with the broken zipper. He can sport those tights though! We asked if we could take him outside where the air was fresh and the weather was beautiful. The sun was shining and it was a wonderful 65 degrees. I really wasn't expecting a yes...but a yes was what we got! The care givers got him all bundled up and ready to go out. Charlie and I found that quite entertaining. It gets so unbelievably cold there, but for some reason when it was in the 60s everyone was bundled up in their coats and even scarves! Little Dima was dressed in all his layers and we headed outside.
We made a beeline over to the merry-go-round that I spotted earlier on the way in! I sat him down and Charlie started to spin him at a painfully slow pace. I am pretty sure that he was bored but I was terrified that he would fall off. So I decided to get on and plop him on my lap so Charlie could pick it up a notch. He was much more entertained! We took him to all the little stations they had for the kids to play with. We also brought him a ball. Let me tell you...that boy can throw! I couldn't believe it. He is so tiny but he can throw like Haiden. He loved the ball so we left it there. We didn't see it the next day but I'm really choosing to believe that others were enjoying it! We had enough time to sing some Itsy Bitsy Spider and I'm a Little Teapot before we had to bring him in and leave him again. Ughh, just writing that out makes my heart and stomach hurt.
Handing him over to his care givers was so hard. It all happened so fast...like ripping off a band aid. But handing him back in a hurry...it didn't make it hurt any less. I also couldn't help but feeling like I was getting cheated out of time with him. We had come all that way and we had only spent a total of maybe 45 minutes with him in 2 days! I felt like I couldn't complain though....because I couldn't. We left there feeling good about the bond we were building but so bad about leaving him. We only had one day left and I was praying that we got to spend more time with him than what we had the past 2 days. The drive back was awful both days. The traffic is miserable and that only means more time to think about the things that I saw and the conditions I was leaving my son behind to live in and how the following day was going to be the last day we would see Dmitri for months! Thank goodness for cameras and my iTouch! I watched my videos and looked at the pictures all the way home! I love you Dmitri James House and hugs until next time my baby. XOXOXO
We went through the same stinky check in building but thankfully this time the cat's dinner had been cleaned up, or eaten. Just as long as I didn't have to see the animal pieces dragged all over the floor! We went by to grab the doctor and we were on our way to see our baby! This time I noticed something a little different. There were more kiddos in the hallways. There were a few more doors open and better yet, they weren't being closed before we came upon them. I was able to quickly sneak peek as we hurried by. I was scared of getting caught and getting in trouble so it was a quick glance. I just peeked long enough to see that there were indeed kids in there! I was rather shocked that the doors remained open.
Then there we were! Waiting to see Dima come out of his room. He came around the corner walking...with help...looking cuter then ever. He was wearing the same Spiderman tights and little red sweatshirt with the broken zipper. He can sport those tights though! We asked if we could take him outside where the air was fresh and the weather was beautiful. The sun was shining and it was a wonderful 65 degrees. I really wasn't expecting a yes...but a yes was what we got! The care givers got him all bundled up and ready to go out. Charlie and I found that quite entertaining. It gets so unbelievably cold there, but for some reason when it was in the 60s everyone was bundled up in their coats and even scarves! Little Dima was dressed in all his layers and we headed outside.
We made a beeline over to the merry-go-round that I spotted earlier on the way in! I sat him down and Charlie started to spin him at a painfully slow pace. I am pretty sure that he was bored but I was terrified that he would fall off. So I decided to get on and plop him on my lap so Charlie could pick it up a notch. He was much more entertained! We took him to all the little stations they had for the kids to play with. We also brought him a ball. Let me tell you...that boy can throw! I couldn't believe it. He is so tiny but he can throw like Haiden. He loved the ball so we left it there. We didn't see it the next day but I'm really choosing to believe that others were enjoying it! We had enough time to sing some Itsy Bitsy Spider and I'm a Little Teapot before we had to bring him in and leave him again. Ughh, just writing that out makes my heart and stomach hurt.
Handing him over to his care givers was so hard. It all happened so fast...like ripping off a band aid. But handing him back in a hurry...it didn't make it hurt any less. I also couldn't help but feeling like I was getting cheated out of time with him. We had come all that way and we had only spent a total of maybe 45 minutes with him in 2 days! I felt like I couldn't complain though....because I couldn't. We left there feeling good about the bond we were building but so bad about leaving him. We only had one day left and I was praying that we got to spend more time with him than what we had the past 2 days. The drive back was awful both days. The traffic is miserable and that only means more time to think about the things that I saw and the conditions I was leaving my son behind to live in and how the following day was going to be the last day we would see Dmitri for months! Thank goodness for cameras and my iTouch! I watched my videos and looked at the pictures all the way home! I love you Dmitri James House and hugs until next time my baby. XOXOXO
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