Until We Meet Again....

Ughhh this is the hardest day...this 3rd and final vist! How did it go by so quickly? It took months and months to get to that point, and it took 3 days to end. Time is so tricky. It can stretch out for all eternity, or it can go by in the blink of an eye. Why does it always do the opposite of what we want?

We get to the orphanage earlier on the last day. I am hoping and praying that we get to stay longer than the 20-30 minutes that we were allotted the first 2 visits. The route that we take to get to Dima's building is endless on the last day. I just wanted to get to him, pick him up, kiss him, and take him outside in the sunshine and fresh air. Again, we go through the stinky check in building, a yard, an administration building, more grounds or yard, the playground, and finally his "home". The prior 2 days we had not run into any unpleasant people or rudeness of any kind. Well...not that I know of anyway. I can't understand but more than 2 or 3 words during a conversation. But this time was a little different. We were greeted by an extremely unpleasant woman in the foyer. I have no idea what she said, but I know it was bad because even our coordinator made a comment on how mean she was! I guess it's a good thing I don't speak the language! One thing I do know is that she commanded us to put on sterile booties over our shoes. So, we did as we were told and headed up the stairs to get our little boy!

There were kids EVERYWHERE! Where had they all come from?! I couldn't believe it. There were teenage age kids doing "chores". Running around with trays of food delivering them to the appropriate rooms. There were kids on the stairs, and on the common areas! All the doors were open and the rooms where filled. None of them were hidden away like before, and all the doors remained opened as were walked by. I was amazed and shocked for more than one reason. One of the reasons I'll save for a blog post all on it's own. The other, I have mentioned before. I could not believe that they were allowing us to see everything. When we got to the commons area that we had met in before, Dima was not there. I was a little disappointed. I was hoping that they would have him all ready so we could get as much time with his as possible. As we were standing there, one of the care givers told us that we could go to his group's room. This was exciting to me, I could see some of the other children in his group. I wasn't ready to it when I saw it. I had to bite my cheek to the point I could taste blood in order not to cry in front of everyone. This was so overwhelming. There was so many little ones in the room. They were all doing things that I had read about. I read about things...but I guess that I wasn't really expecting to see them in real life. Kids crawling on the floor that should not be crawling on the floor, kids rocking in the corner, kids rolling around on the floor as another means of transportation, and kids doing all kinds of different things to self stim. I just wasn't ready. I wish that I could have been a fly on the wall to see my reaction. I hope and pray that I covered up my feelings. That you could not see on the outside what I was feeling on the inside! In no way did I want to disrespect anyone there...to include these precious angels that were so crazy excited to see us. I didn't spot our little man so I continued to return hugs that I was getting at a cyclic rate! I loved it! A little nervous at first, but I loved these little boys! How in the world were Charlie and I going to pick up our baby and walk out of there without the others? But soon Dima came "walking" down the hall all bundled up for us to take him outside in the beautiful sun! I picked him up and make my way through the sea of little boys wanting just even a smile. At at time when I thought I should feel overwhelmed with joy holding my baby and taking him outside, I felt the opposite. I felt ashamed and guilty that we were only taking 1 boy. I almost couldn't look the rest of them in the eye. But I had to...I had to smile at them and let them know that they were not invisible!

We took Dmitri outside to play on the old warn out playground equipment like we had done the day before. Shortly, about 5 boys from his group were coming out to play as well! The caregiver tries to get them outside as often as she can. There are 15 of them and 1 or her. She tells our coordinator that she brings out a couple children at a time so she can play with them and keep an eye on them. At first she didn't want them to interfere with us and Dmitri's time but I kept playing with them so I think that she relaxed a little and let them play. They just wanted to be boys and play! Twenty minutes or so passed and I started to get worried that we were going to have to go in and leave our little boy that we had come so far to see. But nothing was said, so we continued to play with him and watch him play. I loved to just watch him watching the other play and take everything in that was going on around him. He loved throwing the ball but his favorite thing was giving us kisses!

Soon, about 1 1/2 hours later, we were instructed to bring him inside. It was time for them to eat and time for their naps. What a sick feeling I had in my stomach. This time I didn't notice anything around me while walking back to his room. I just hurt all over. His caregiver could tell that we were hurting and heartbroken and she felt bad for us. While I was holding Dima, giving him my last kiss I started to tear up. I had done so good not crying this whole time. I think his caregiver was scolding me a little and telling me not to cry in front of him. She urged me to go into the bathroom and dry my face! I'm glad that she did cause I got to stand in that little bathroom and have myself a good quick cry. I gave him a billion more kisses and hugs before I handed him over.

The rest is a blur and the rest of the trip is really not important. I just wanted to sleep so we could pass time and get back to him. I think this would be easier to endure if I new that we didn't have to wait so long to see him again. There is a lot of vacation to be had in his country apparently so court dates won't be assigned until everyone involved comes back to work. I wish that I could go on vacation and take a break from all of this! Better yet, I wish those boys could take a vacation from their life. Just get away from it all for a little bit. Unfortunately, their life is all that they know and they have no other happiness to compare it to. Maybe that is a good thing...or this is something that I tell myself so I can stop feeling guilty about not being able to bring more than one of them home at a time.

So sweet Dima...my little beautiful man...please know that I am thinking of you all day every single day. I still dream about you since that is the only way I can see you. Please feel our love baby and know without a doubt that we are coming back to get you. It's just going to be a little longer than we had hoped. We pray that you stay healthy and safe and you can feel our arms around you until we meet again.

1 Trip Down...2 To Go! Day 2....

The second day was a long one. This is only because we didn't get to see him until 3 in the afternoon! Seeing as jet lag was kicking full force Charlie and I got up for the day around 4 in the AM! Again...that made for a long day.

We went through the same stinky check in building but thankfully this time the cat's dinner had been cleaned up, or eaten. Just as long as I didn't have to see the animal pieces dragged all over the floor! We went by to grab the doctor and we were on our way to see our baby! This time I noticed something a little different. There were more kiddos in the hallways. There were a few more doors open and better yet, they weren't being closed before we came upon them. I was able to quickly sneak peek as we hurried by. I was scared of getting caught and getting in trouble so it was a quick glance. I just peeked long enough to see that there were indeed kids in there! I was rather shocked that the doors remained open.

Then there we were! Waiting to see Dima come out of his room. He came around the corner walking...with help...looking cuter then ever. He was wearing the same Spiderman tights and little red sweatshirt with the broken zipper. He can sport those tights though! We asked if we could take him outside where the air was fresh and the weather was beautiful. The sun was shining and it was a wonderful 65 degrees. I really wasn't expecting a yes...but a yes was what we got! The care givers got him all bundled up and ready to go out. Charlie and I found that quite entertaining. It gets so unbelievably cold there, but for some reason when it was in the 60s everyone was bundled up in their coats and even scarves! Little Dima was dressed in all his layers and we headed outside.

We made a beeline over to the merry-go-round that I spotted earlier on the way in! I sat him down and Charlie started to spin him at a painfully slow pace. I am pretty sure that he was bored but I was terrified that he would fall off. So I decided to get on and plop him on my lap so Charlie could pick it up a notch. He was much more entertained! We took him to all the little stations they had for the kids to play with. We also brought him a ball. Let me tell you...that boy can throw! I couldn't believe it. He is so tiny but he can throw like Haiden. He loved the ball so we left it there. We didn't see it the next day but I'm really choosing to believe that others were enjoying it! We had enough time to sing some Itsy Bitsy Spider and I'm a Little Teapot before we had to bring him in and leave him again. Ughh, just writing that out makes my heart and stomach hurt.

Handing him over to his care givers was so hard. It all happened so fast...like ripping off a band aid. But handing him back in a hurry...it didn't make it hurt any less. I also couldn't help but feeling like I was getting cheated out of time with him. We had come all that way and we had only spent a total of maybe 45 minutes with him in 2 days! I felt like I couldn't complain though....because I couldn't. We left there feeling good about the bond we were building but so bad about leaving him. We only had one day left and I was praying that we got to spend more time with him than what we had the past 2 days. The drive back was awful both days. The traffic is miserable and that only means more time to think about the things that I saw and the conditions I was leaving my son behind to live in and how the following day was going to be the last day we would see Dmitri for months! Thank goodness for cameras and my iTouch! I watched my videos and looked at the pictures all the way home! I love you Dmitri James House and hugs until next time my baby. XOXOXO

1 Visit Down...2 to Go! Day one....

Let me first convey to everyone how sorry I am for taking so long to write an update. I think I am the world's worst blogger! That along with a touch of depression from leaving my baby behind has made it somewhat of a challenge getting this out. But, I owe it Dmitri and everyone asking me for an update to get something out there! So our first journey to see our Dimitri goes like this...

If any of you know me...you know that I have amazing bad luck. The kind of luck that would make someone on the outside looking in say "someone has got to give this girl a break". It runs in my family and I am a firm believer that like hair color or the color of your eyes...bad luck is genetic. Therefore, I was a little nervous about starting this trip. But seriously, I was not expecting something to go wrong right from the ticket counter while checking in! Thankfully, it was just a small misunderstanding that was straightened out after my short bout of acid reflux and the triggering of what I'm pretty sure was a very minor heart attack. We were in the air and off by 6:30 the evening of the 13th leaving Haiden and Noah behind with my savior of a sister for 5 days.

We arrived safely at the airport extremely exhausted but so overwhelmed that we hardly noticed! We found our driver who thankfully spoke some English because we were so out of our element. We have both traveled to foreign countries many, many times so I'm not quite sure why it felt so different this time. I think the anxiety of meeting Dmitri was getting to us. Also, we were getting ready to crash in on a family that had never met us before, but was amazing enough to take us in during our stay. Amazingly enough our stay with you guys (Brian and Kristina) was wonderful and we will never be able to repay you or tell you how incredibly grateful we are and will forever be. This wonderful family took us in as a favor to a friend (gotta love the military community and how they look out for and take care of each other). They had a number of family members visiting from out of town already and still allowed us to take up a room in their home. They also fed us wonderful home cooked meals every single day! The amount of money we saved because of their generosity has enabled us to put money towards plane tickets and the endless amount of fees that are piling up around us. We also got to meet their 2 unbelievably cute boys who I hope that we get to see again in the not too distant future! Thank you guys from the bottom of our hearts!

The next morning we were picked up by our coordinator bright and early. Thankfully the excitement of the day that lay ahead over shadowed the jet lag that we were already feeling. I will be completely honest when I say that really don't remember what took place on this day up until we met our Little D. Everything is kind of a blur. By the time we got to the orphanage...I was a big ball of nerves. I was terrified because we were told that they didn't even want us there in the first place. We were told they were too busy. I was also scared because we were told that this institution had never adopted out a child before. I was hopeful since we had made it as far as the front door without being turned away. I do remember pulling up the the building and getting out of the van and pretty much everything after that. We had to first go check in. This took place in a tiny little building just inside the big gates containing the institution and all it's inhabitants. I wish that I was able to get pictures because I'm pretty sure I won't be able to describe this little place. Even if I could describe it, I would never be able to describe the smell. Thankfully we weren't there that long. I was also relieved beyond all belief once I figured out that the check in building was not a building where any of the children were living. For some reason, an image that I can't get out of my head was the dinner that belonged to the cat that apparently lived there. I looked down at my feet to see 2 wings, a head, a torso, and a beak shredded. That image paired with the smell will haunt me forever. That was obviously before I made it further through the day.

We left that building to meet a few other people in another building to take care of paperwork and more paperwork before meeting with the head doctor. I couldn't help but notice that this building smelled much better and it appeared that there were quite a bit of repairs taking place along with painting of the facility going on. I felt a little hopeful seeing this. Maybe there was progress being made around us. We were led to a small sterile looking room to wait for the doctor. This woman was so intimidating! No smiling, no chit chat, just business. After about 30 minutes of a Q&A round she led us off to meet our little boy. We had to go in and out of a series of different buildings up stairs, and through halls. I couldn't help but notice there were no kids out and about. I also couldn't help but notice that if doors happened to be opened, they were closed before we had the chance to see inside them. Actually, not a surprise considering all my reading on the orphanages that I had done up to this point. Everything seemed right on track with all the books.

We made it up to a little common area that contained a couch and some plants scattered throughout the room. I noticed a child on the couch with a caregiver and Charlie and I looked at each other both thinking "oh my gosh, look at that little baby"! All of a sudden everyone leading us to Dimitri stopped and looked at us with an expectant gaze. I was a little confused until our coordinator leaned over and told us that the little baby was in fact Dmitri. I walked over and picked him up and searched his little face for resemblance of the picture that I had been looking at every day over the past months. At first I thought no way...this is a mistake...they are trying to give us a different child. Our child is going to be 5 in July. This little boy can't be more than a year old! But he looked back and me and tilted his head back in just a way that looked just like the picture I had of him from more than 3 years ago...and I new it was him! My reaction was no where near what I thought it was going to be. I played out a different scenario in my head nearly every day since we committed to him. I always thought that I would cry. Surprisingly I didn't! Neither of us did. I was afraid of scaring him off! After a couple minutes of keeping our distance I scooped him up and put him on my lap. He felt just like he was supposed to be there!

We pulled out the family photo album I had made for him so show him pictures. He seemed more interested in the pictures of Charlie and me than the pictures of the kids which surprised us. We took pictures and video of him which he seemed to love. He had a smile all ready for the camera as soon as I pulled it out. It's so funny how he knew how to work it in front of the camera! The care workers around seemed to warm up to us along with the doctor. We were very fortunate to meet the social worker who was unbelievably nice! Unfortunately, we arrived at an inconvenient time...right before lunch and nap. We were only there 20 minutes before they told us that it was time for us to go. We all exchanged hugs and kisses before our little man waved goodbye to us and was on his way to eat. We would see him again the next afternoon, but leaving him was heartbreaking!

So...This Is Finally Happening!

I know that it has been a long time since I have posted anything new. I have been waiting for something to post about and it's been weeks since we have had anything post worthy. Well...finally...we have something! After waiting almost 5 long weeks after submitting our registration, we got a travel date assigned! We are going to meet our baby! We will be leaving on the 13th and heading back home on the 19th. We have so much to do this upcoming week but I'm glad that we got the date late notice. That way I don't have too much time to worry and stress. We were told that this orphanage has never adopted a child out before. So of course I have all kinds of "what if's" going through my mind. But mostly I have so many different scenarios going through my mind about this little boy that we are about to finally meet. How weird to think about actually touching him. For months all we have had is 1 out of date and blurry picture. What if he doesn't like us? What if we get denied? What if we are missing some document that freezes this whole thing yet again? But I know that I can't think like that. I just have to keep telling myself to give it ALL to Him. He has gotten us this far, He will get us the rest of the way!

Sorry about the extremely short update! We have so much paperwork to finish and so many phone calls and emails to make. I will try and do a better job posting. Especially while we are gone. Hopefully pictures to come soon!

Dear Anonymous Donor~

Dear Anonymous Donor~

To say thank you and that my family appreciates your donation to Paul’s fund would be one giant understatement. I keep searching my brain to find the words that would best fit how I feel, but I come up short. All I can think of is thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Yesterday was quite an emotional day for me. I think most of us, if not all of us, have had one of those days. The kind that starts off awful from the very beginning and just snowballs until you are about ready to crawl into bed for the remainder. Yesterday was one of those for me. I woke up to an email from our adoption coordinator. I used to think that those emails were the best until February. She usually had something helpful to send me, or something exciting dealing with the adoption. In February I got a phone call from her that traumatized me most likely for life. I don’t know how much of my story you know, but to make it short, we lost the first little boy we were trying to adopt. That heartbreaking news on the other end of the phone line sometimes causes me to cringe when I see anything from our agency. To my coordinator, if you are reading this, I love you and please don’t take that personally! So, I read that email and my heart sank. It was yet again news from Paul’s country that would delay us bringing him home. This time I have no idea for how long. If we are lucky, we will get our first visit this summer. As for the remaining two visits, I am not expecting anything until the fall. I started feeling like this is never going to happen. The adopting families I know get news like this all the time. It’s one step forward and two steps back. It makes me wonder what’s in store for us next. On top of that, the weather was gloomy and cold, I think I’m getting sick, and the short little men in my life were driving me crazy with their fighting!

Bedtime came for the boys and I was getting ready to pick up my laptop so I could take it to the couch, collapse for the evening, and make my “rounds” for the night. That consists of sitting down to my “control center” and monitor things dealing with Paul’s adoption for the evening. I first check my Facebook account to make sure I have posted all the fundraisers that are going on for Paul. Then I post our link so people hopefully donate to his account. Next, I check my email to see if I have anything from our agency, RR, or anyone hopefully responding to my requests to have a fundraiser at their place of business. Of course I had one from RR stating we had an anonymous donor contribute to Paul. Okay, so I have to admit, I had really high hopes. A friend of mine once told me that she had an anonymous donor contribute $1,000! As I clicked on the link to see how much the account had gone up I had all sorts of figures dancing around in my head! Maybe it would be $200, $500, maybe just maybe $1,000! Never…ever…would the amount of $5,000 ever have popped into my head.

I saw the total on the computer screen and then of course completely forgot what the total had been last time I looked. I knew that it was nowhere near what I was looking at, at that moment. After doing a quick calculation I had to ask Charlie do double check and then triple check what I had seen. Then came the tears again. This time they were tears of joy, happiness, excitement, hope, love, and restored faith in humanity.

I know that everyone knows the saying “money can’t buy happiness” but let me tell you, last night, it sure did. Your donation, along with the generosity of everyone else that had donated, or said a prayer, or forwarded Paul’s link, has carried us so far. We are so close to being fully funded that I can actually see a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. That is a light we have yet to see until last night. Our original goal for the fundraising was set at $21,000. That was because there was no way in the world Charlie and I could see us raising even that much money towards our adoption. Once we hit $19,000 I decided to raise it to $25,000. I raised it yesterday. The very day you took us right to it!

So, I want to take this time to tell you again thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul. Because of you and all the other donors we will not have to keep Paul waiting any longer than he has been. We will have all the money that is required of us. We will bring him home and love him like we love our other boys. We will love him the way that all children should be loved. I am also looking forward to having the chance to pay it forward. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I can’t say it enough!

Love,
The House Family

Not So Patiently Waiting

Today marks 1 week from when our dossier was supposedly submitted. I say supposedly because I have not been told one way or the other if it was turned over to the committee who is supposed to be assigning a travel date for our family. I didn't think that I would survive this week, but I somehow have. Staying busy doing fundraisers is a good way to pass time until I hear something! This adoption has taught me so many things. One of them being patience....sort of. Multiple times a day I feel myself getting pulled towards the computer so I can send our adoption agency a quick email...just a quick one liner...asking if there is any news. Of course there is no news! Our agency wouldn't be sitting on that information, but I can't help it. Thankfully, I don't email or call her like I want to...need to. Instead, I just sit here and stare at my phone and check my inbox what seems to be about 1-2 million times a day, depending on my anxiety level on any given day.

Speaking of fundraisers, we had one over the weekend. To me, it was a flop. To other optimistic people in my life, they would say it was more than what we had before. I was really, really aiming for double what we brought in. We had a yard sale Saturday. For anyone that has not done one...ughh...it's so much work. We were up so late getting things ready and then up so early setting them up. The turn out was less than impressive. I can't believe how cheap some people are! I understand that it's a yard sale. So...come on...things are already dirt cheap. Even after telling the "customers" why were having the sale in the first place, most of them still tried to bargain with me. Of course I had to work with them because some was better than nothing. I then thought to myself...well maybe after haggling over the price, they will donate to our cause. After all, we had the big, bright, yellow box sitting right there in front of their faces! Not the case at all! One lady asked how much I was selling a paperback romance novel. I told her $2 and she was quite but out. She said quite loudly, for everyone to hear, "$2 for a book?!" Really lady, if you can't afford 2 bucks for a paperback book, you need to go back home and search the classifieds for a job. Done venting..and moving on.

Our next fundraiser is going to be an attempt at a charity golf event. So, if any of you know anything about golf, or have any suggestions for me, or want to help, that would be more than appreciated. I have never golfed in my life. The closest I came was in high school during P.E. We had a week of golf and I hated every second of it. I couldn't hit that little ball to save my life, so I spent the whole time throwing it in the direction it was supposed to go. So, with that said, I need some help. I am hoping that the course that I end up going with helps me out a great deal. When I say helps me out...I'm actually meaning does the whole thing for me and I just have to get the people there and advertise! Again, any suggestions would be much appreciated.

You Guys Get It

It has been so long since I posted any updates, I thought that I should take the time to do so now while the little lads are sleeping! Yesterday was the big day. One of many big days we have coming up anyway. Our dossier, along with another family's was submitted to The Committee! Neither of us have heard anything, but I am going with the old saying that no news is good news. The last time we were submitted, we got a call right away...and not a good call. I think we all know that story! Now, we just wait for news on our first travel date. The one when we will meet our little boy for the first time. We will finally be able to hold him and hug him, instead of just kissing and touching the single picture that we have of him!

I am so grateful that another family is going through the exact same thing, at the exact same time. I have come to love and rely on the support that everyone from the adoption community has to offer. I love having someone that actually understands what it's all about. I am so grateful for the group that was created for our region by a wonderful woman that has gone before us to bring her beautiful little girl home! Without all of these wonderful families, I would have no idea where to turn to for answers and encouragement. My family and friends thankfully are supportive of the idea of adopting...thank you Jesus...because I know that many of you have not had the same support. But this support from our fellow families who are adopting, is so different and so needed. There is a difference in understanding, and understandably so. It hasn't been that long since I, myself didn't understand. Just like everything else in life, unless you walk the same path, the level of understanding is just so different. Nobody else gets it...I mean...really gets it.

I know that when I need to vent about how hard it is to get a psych report done on my kids at home that my fellow parents truly understand how hard it is. You all know how much time I spent on the phone just to find a psychologist that didn't have a wait time of 6 months to get us in. You understand the pain of paying for yet this one more thing that was added, because now that is just that much more money you are going to have to raise, money that wasn't accounted for already. Then there are the phone calls after phone calls to follow up, and the notarizing and please let's not forget the endless charges to the credit card to over night all of this paperwork.

I know that when I ask a question over and over again, you don't care. To ask what kind of time line I'm looking at before I get to see my baby, and to know that you guys understand that the anxiety and excited feelings at the same time is enough to make a person go crazy...that is a comfort to me!

I know that when I post the picture of my baby asking for donations and prayers without judgment is also greatly appreciated. I can count on you to re-post and you know what it actually means to me to see that someone cared enough to take the time to do so. I know that you don't get tired of seeing my advocacy for adoption on a daily basis just as I would never get tired of seeing yours. In fact, I look forward to seeing the progress that everyone is making.

I know that when I state my fears of not knowing what institution my baby is in...you get it. You understand the laying in bed at night wondering if he's just laying in a crib withering away, and every once in a while getting brown slop pushed off as food crammed down him in hurry. You know what it means to work as fast as you possibly can day and night to get your baby out of a horrid place like that before it's too late. To watch a Dateline special or read a book and wonder if that is happening to your baby at that moment...you understand. Your heart breaks into a million pieces when you see a post on Facebook that yet another orphaned child has passed because you truly understand what that meant. That beautiful angel died not knowing the warmth of the arms of mama and papa, something you are trying to avoid for you child just like I am mine.

So, although I know that I don't need to say thank you, I am anyway. Thank you to all of you out there that support our family, and thank you for being there and understanding. That's all any of us want...just to be understood.